‘Knocking on Heaven’s Door’ was playing in the background when I had an ‘Aha’ moment. This was ‘me’ last year, I was knocking. And It’s Time. It’s Time for me to open up, open up and share my darkest secret.
A year ago I was knocking, I was knocking really hard, but God had other plans. He wouldn’t let me in. He wouldn’t open the door. He sent me back home. It wasn’t my time.
But now it’s time…its time for me to share. It’s Time for me to Shine a Light on what God wouldn’t let me do last December. Nearly a year ago, I was in the depths of hell, hell on Earth, and I tried to take my life, commit suicide.
I’ve known that someday I was going to share with everyone my story and now it’s time. As the tears roll down my cheeks, I will share. This a story about the Darkest Night of my Soul, and My Journey…Rising. Rising even stronger, wiser, more determined, than ever before. I’ve wanted to share my story to release the stigma of it. To shine a light on something that is hidden under the rug in our society. This can happen to anyone, to any family, any age, any color, any status.
**I also want to take full responsibility for what I did. I did it, no one made me. It was a perfect storm of circumstance, of trauma, no one is to blame….
2016 was a year of extreme highs and extreme lows. I was madly in love with My Michael. We were madly in love. He was my World, my Soul-mate, my Twin-Flame. But the morning of August 22, my world crashed. Hard. My Michael had unexpectedly passed of a massive heart attack. In a split second, it was the end of the world as I knew it. There is absolutely nothing that can prepare anyone for a moment like that. One minute he looked healthy and alive and the next a phone call comes from a Sheriff. This is another thing our society needs to be open about, Death. Grief, the pain of losing a loved one should also not be shoved under the rug.
To add to this pain, 2.5 months prior to Michael’s passing, we had put our beloved French Bulldog, Mr. Beefy Beefcake, down. He was my constant companion for 11 years. The Universe definitely works in mysterious ways. The day before Michael passed, he turned to me and said, ‘It’s time that you get another dog’….He ‘knew’ his time was limited.
During the months that followed, I suffered more loss more trauma. Instead of things getting better they got worse. I was sinking. (Out of respect, I won’t share) but the trauma I experienced was devastating to my already fragile state. I was sinking fast. I was done.
The pain that I felt, I couldn’t relate to. It was nothing like I ever knew before, absolutely and completely unbearable. I sank into the deepest, darkest bottomless, black hole. I just wanted out. I wanted to remove myself from the viciousness, the cruelty of life. I was waving a white flag. Surrendering.
In my tremendous pain, in those moments of not thinking clearly, I hurt myself. I hurt myself enough to know that I shouldn’t have woken up, that I shouldn’t be here sharing my story. I know deeply in my soul that I was saved. That God wouldn’t answer my knock at His Door, it wasn’t my time.
I am a huge dreamer, extremely vivid; I always have been, every night. But during this time, all I saw was darkness, the deep black hole. Many of you who know me, know that I am already connected to the Other-Side. You have seen my see my Orb videos, you know that I ‘see’ things or I get ‘touched’. I know that Heaven is Real. I also know deep down, in those really dark moments after waking up, if I saw Heaven’s true magnificence, I would have tried again. God, Michael, the Angels didn’t allow me to see anything. They blocked Heaven’s Beauty. Instead, I am here, Rising. Creating a beautiful life. I now know, whatever happens in my life, when it’s my time to leave Earth, I will let God decide. My Life is in His Hands.
Ever since I woke up and realized what happened, especially going into the New Year, 2017, I have fought to Live. I know that I am here to share, to shed a light on darkness, to spread my Love, to Shine. I am here to be vulnerable and open my heart to others. This is my Soul’s Journey. I need to complete my journey before it’s time to move on.
I also know that I have been blessed by many, many people who love me. There are so many that I could have reached out to (and for that I am extremely grateful). I could have called the suicide hotline or 911, but I couldn’t. Please understand that I couldn’t. All I felt was extreme pain and I was done.
I went through the motions of life, the holidays, hiding my dark secret. Mostly I hid because I didn’t know any better, I was just a shell of myself, just trying to survive, one day, one minute at a time. That was a year ago. The next two Pages share My Rise. I invite you to check them out.
***One thing that I need to add. None of this is written for you to feel sad, or for me to get sympathy. I am sharing some of my journey to inspire you to Live. Live life on Your Terms. We never know when it is our time. I don’t want to miss out by doing what society thinks I should be doing. I don’t want to hide or dim my light. I don’t want to miss out because I didn’t feel good. I don’t want to miss telling my loved one’s that I Love Them Dearly!!! Life is too damn short not to Live it how you want.
Go out and make 2018 the year that you become a Butterfly!!!
From here, My Story divides in Two Directions.
The first: The Wisdom of Sage Goddess was one constant, the one regular thing that kept me going throughout the days and nights, weeks and months ahead. How I Survived 2017
The second: I share what I did to Raise my Vibration, to not only dig myself out of the Black hole, but to Rise.
My Rise: Raising My Vibration
I would be happy to help any of you navigate these difficult times.
Please contact me if you have any comments or questions.
Much love and blessings during this Beautiful Holiday Season.
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Ignite Your Power to Attract! Attract the Life, the Love that You Desire!